In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the
same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look
up
"interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
