Copyright Allen Jesson :) 2001

www.agiftofpoetry.com

Please visit the site for more poems, jokes and stories (Please click on the link below):

http://www.linkcounter.com/go.php?linkid=176008

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2. Joke Of The Week

A man walks up to a bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits a
small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for
their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it".
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $6.40 please," and
the man reaches into his pocket, and pulls out exact change for payment.
This happens the next evening also. The following evening the trio
enters again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, its close to last call, "so I'll have a large scotch", says the
man, "same for me" says the ostrich.
"I'll have a small scotch, but I'm not paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $12.35", says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir,
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket
every time" asks the bartender.

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me 3  wishes. My first
wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket,
and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant"! says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as
long as you live."

 "That's right!, Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there" says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing Sir, what's with the ostrich and
the cat?"

The man replies, "My other two wishes were for a chick with long legs,
and a tight pussy".
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3. Time Management Tip - Set Your Priorities

Everybody gets 168 hours - every week ! So when you say that you haven't had time to do something then that is probably not true. The truth is that you have CHOSEN to spend your time doing other things. The trick in life is to CHOOSE how to spend your time wisely and on tasks that contribute towards your short and long term objectives.  How do you do this? Simple in theory, tough in practice: Firstly, set your short and long term objectives i.e. spend more time with family, write the book etc....

Next, split your 168 hours into portions (a pie chart is good), for example, 56 hours sleep, 60 hours work, 15 hours family, 5 hours TV, 12 hours exercise etc.etc. Now allocate what spare hours you have left towards achieving some of your objectives.

Now the hard part:

Being disciplined enough to follow your pie chart. If you do, you will at least spend some of your time each week satisfying your short and longer term objectives.

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4. Another Joke Of The Week

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says: "What's the story?"
He replies: "Just crap in the carburettor."
She says: "How often do I have to do that?"

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5. Enjoy Life Tip - Me And My Bad Moods

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 6. Yet Another Joke Of The Week

Bill was moderately successful in the career, but as
he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When
his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical
help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally
came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your
headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very
rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of
your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Bill was shocked and
depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the
operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important
part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what
I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a
new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size
44 long?" Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's
my job." replied the salesman. Bill tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Bill
admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?" Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Bill
then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.".
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?".
"It's my job." came the familiar reply.
Bill tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The
salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?".
Bill was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed
Bill's feet and said,
"Let's see, nine-and-a- half?"
Bill was astonished, "That's right, how did you
know?". "It's my job." said the salesman again. Bill tried on
the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the
shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Bill's waist and said, "Let's see,
size 36." Bill laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I
was 18 years old."
The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't
possibly wear a size 34!
It would press your testicles up against the base of
your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
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7. Ponderings - DEFINITION OF A FRIEND

A friend should be radical. They should love you when
you're unlovable, Hug you when you're unhuggable,
And bear you when you're unbearable. A friend should
be fanatical. They should cheer when the whole world
boos. Dance when you get good news, and cry when you
cry too. But most of all a friend should be
mathematical. They should multiply the joy, Divide the
sorrow, Subtract the past, and Add to tomorrow.
Calculate the need deep in your heart, and always be
bigger than the sum of all their parts. Forward this
to all your friends. How many
of us have one?

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8. Stress Management Tip - The Paradox of Our Time
By George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less; we buy more but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and
smaller families, more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees,
but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, yet more
problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read
too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom,
and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life,
we've added years to life not life to years.
We've done larger things but not better things. We've cleaned up the air,
but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
 We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've
learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more
information to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and
less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; big men and
small character.
Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because
that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember to give
a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you
can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember to say "I
love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A
kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will
not be there again.

Give time to love, time to speak, give time to share the precious thoughts
in your mind.

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9. Virus Warning - Bad Times

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only
erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on
disks within 20 feet of your computer.
 It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms
your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
 It will program your phone auto dial to call only your
mother-in-laws number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish
tank. It will drink all your beer. (For Gods sake man are you
listening?!?!) It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
 that is only fun until someone loses an eye.  It will rewrite your backup
files, changing all your active verbs to passive  tense and incorporating
undetectable missplellings which grossly change the interpretations
of  key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment,
it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub.   It will not only remove the forbidden
tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with
whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN**
 
And if you don't send this to 500 people in 20 seconds you'll fart
so hard that your right leg will spasm, shoot straight out in front of
you, sending sparks, that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send send send send send.

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