1. Poem Of The Week - Melbourne Markets

This poem wasn't written for the tourist board but if you ever get the chance to visit Melbourne (Australia) you must go to Victoria Markets, you name it - you can buy it there ! By the way, Kilmore is a local race track.... 

Melbourne Markets

 

Walking around Victoria Markets,

the hint of spring is in the air,

but the chill of winter lingers bravely on,

like the remaining chestnut sellers,

who make their last desperate calls,

before flying north for the summer.

Unlike the caged pigeons,

(three for five dollars).

For twenty bucks I could set twelve free,

but I keep my money,

and save it for a nag at Kilmore.

 

Across the aisle,

body pierced lesbians sell organic produce,

trying to save the environment,

but they too ignore the pigeons.

 

Did you know that they built these markets

on the site of Melbourne's oldest cemetery ?

As the crowds clamber for their weekend meat,

it seems kind of fitting, 

that the organ churns out its mechanical melody,

grinding on the souls of Melbourne's long forgotten dead.

Allen Jesson, http://www.agiftofpoetry.com

2. Joke(s) Of The Week -  Bumper wisdom

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted
  then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

More great jokes and stories at http://www.agiftofpoetry.com

 3. Time Management Tip - Set targets and measure progress often.

Go and find that quiet corner. Have a good think about your life, where you are and where you want to be. Set down some numeric goals on paper i.e.  I would like to be 10kg (22lbs) lighter in 10 weeks time and I would also like to have saved  $500 at the end of that period. They can be weightier (excuse the pun!) goals over a longer period if you like, up to you. Now translate those goals into weekly targets i.e. if you are 80kgs now, by the end of week 1 you should weigh 79kgs, week 2 78kgs etc. I use a spreadsheet but a handwritten chart is fine. I simply put the week ending dates across the top and the individual targets under each column. Now comes the tricky bit - to achieve your goals you will probably have to change what you currently do on a daily basis i.e. more exercise, cut down spending etc. So please change whatever you need to do. At the end of the first week, write down your actual result(s) against the target(s). If you are on target, good - well done - keep doing what you're doing! If you are not, most important this - don't give up, just change what you are doing, changing it on a daily basis. Keep doing this until you are back on track. You may also have to readjust your goals if they were a little over ambitious in the first place i.e. I want to be a zillionaire in 3 weeks....

What's this got to do with Time Management ? Simple, you will end up managing your time (and hence your life) to achieve what you set out to achieve. You will spend less time and energy on things that do not contribute to where you want to get in life !

Please try it ! It really works ! Last tip - start with something small and achievable and then work up from there.

4. Enjoy Life Tip

Every now and then it is OK to be totally selfish ! Plan a day that is totally indulgent ! Do what YOU want to do. Do it all day. Don't feel guilty about it. It is your day. Plan it so that you do as many of your favourite things all in the same day. It's OK - you've earned it !

5. Stress Management Tip - THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN......

Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you."

Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra,
some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some
are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.

Never refuse a breath mint when offered.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40.  If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I
apologize" and "You are right".

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.  It's easier to eat
crow while it's still warm.

I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year
from now?  How about one month?  One week?  One day?

Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations!  You have another chance!

Living as well as you can really is the best revenge.  Being miserable
because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other
person was right about you.

Work is good but it's not that important.

Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just
means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

6. Finish Off With A Smile - The Last Words

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for
orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're
 lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over
you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I
was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
  husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in the children of tomorrow." 

The last guy thinks for
  a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say,
  'Look, he's moving!'"

More great jokes and stories at http://www.agiftofpoetry.com

 I hope you enjoyed the newsletter and don't forget to download your free e-books. Thanks for joining !

PS Don't forget the magic spell - please forward this to five of your friends or colleagues to become incredibly lucky ! Thank you.

Copyright Allen Jesson :) 2001 www.agiftofpoetry.com