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Issue No 7 - Poetic Licence Welcome to issue number 7 of Poetic Licence. I think you will enjoy this bumper edition as there is something for everybody ! Please feel free to forward this on to your friends and colleagues. The contents:
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One of my lifelong ambitions is to write a song
that charts. The only problem with this improbable dream is that I can't write
music ! However, this doesn't stop me writing the odd lyric in the hope that
someone will come along and put the words to music. As Elton John once
advertised in a UK music paper "Guy with a tune needs a guy with lyrics
" (or words to that effect and that is how he met Bernie..). So, if you
know of any budding Eltons out there, please ask them to get in touch...
Is it me or are rockers getting older ? This is a
story of a singer who is the wrong side of forty and who plays a town ho once
played before...............
One More
It was just another show,
another lonely town on the road,
another night in a cheap motel room,
just to pay the taxman what he's owed.
I've been in this music game,
for nigh on thirty years,
sang my way through the heartache,
sang my way through the tears.
Had a few hits along the way,
I was nearly a rock and roll star,
but nearly is a long way to go,
and nearly is so very, very far.
And I was back in familiar territory,
I had played this town many years before,
this was going to be my last show here,
I wasn't going to come back this way anymore.
I've formed the band once again,
aging and up and coming wannabees,
some playing to forget, some just playing,
and some just playing as you please.
The acoustic nightmare was only half filled,
I don't pack them out these days,
and you can't see the expectant faces,
through the darkened and smoke filled haze.
We opened up our set,
with a "what was that called" tune,
no one was dancing that early,
not enough alcohol, it was way too soon.
Had a few hits along the way,
I was nearly a rock and roll star,
but nearly is a long way to go,
and nearly is so very, very far.
I looked up to see a lady dancing,
middle aged, but not bad for this place,
she was looking into my eyes,
there was something familiar about her face.
She was dancing with a younger girl,
I guessed she could be her child,
a beautiful mover, a pretty face,
she was exciting and kind of wild.
Sorry :) This song is a bit long for this
newsletter - if you want to find out what happened next, then please go to http://www.agiftofpoetry.com/Songs/lyrics_one_more.htm
Copyright Allen Jesson :) 2001
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Plenty of new features have been added in the last
month:
a) If you would like to receive the first eleven
editions of Poetic License (one per week), then please complete the yellow
box at the bottom of this page.
b) If you would like to start an e-mail joke
campaign then please go
here.
c) I have combined all the time and stress
management and enjoy life tips all under the one roof. Well worth a visit !
Actually, a lot more new features have been added
in addition to these, but I don't want to turn this newsletter into one big
advert for the site. To cut a long story short, well worth a visit !
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3.
Joke Of The Week - Colin
Knows Everyone
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the ####'s that on the balcony with Colin?"
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Conquer the clutter. Schedule 10 to 15
minutes each week to clear your work area of junk mail, old papers, and other
accumulated clutter. Change habits that lead to messes. Keep cleaning supplies
handy so you can take advantage of the odd free moment to police your work
space. Defuse distractions. Little distractions can add up to a major
drain on productivity. If you're spending too much time on the phone, keep an
egg timer at your desk and hold calls to a reasonable limit. Learn how to
terminate calls politely. If co-workers often drop in to chat, close your
door. If you're constantly walking around obstacles, consider a change of
floor plan. Take steps to reduce distracting noise. Know thyself.
Rivers can't be forced to flow uphill; nor should you try to work against your
inner nature. Schedule the toughest work for your circadian period of peak
productivity. Minimize the impact of suboptimal climate control with a fan or
small heater. Perhaps better or different lighting would boost your
efficiency. Eliminate redundancy. Analyze every process you use to
determine if any steps can be eliminated. Common problems include multiple
signatures for approval, extra steps designed to circumvent systems or correct
problems that could be addressed more directly, and generating multiple copies
that are no longer required.
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I know I've said this before but do you know the
benefits of exercise ?
Don't believe me ? Try it for yourself !
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6.
Bonus Joke - A
Doctor & His Pen
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said: " Well, that's great, just great ..... some asshole's got my pen."
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This week's Stress Tip is guest authored by Glenda
May, an organisational psychologist.
We all now work in an insecure working environment. The old 'cradle to grave' mentality of a secure job for life has been replaced by the reality of the 4 R's.
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8.
Finish Off With A Smile -
Stranded
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas, and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There, stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink? "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice,"the woman replied. "I have a crude stillout back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard? "No,"the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island. "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and- shell device honed razor-sharp. Next he showered - not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom - and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too? Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now?!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just ... well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly, "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail?!"
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Finally, my thanks to the three friends who help me
put this together - you know who you are ! Thanks, it is very much
appreciated.
Ok - the end. I hope you enjoyed this edition,
please pass this newsletter on to your friends or colleagues. Thanks again,
Allen.
Copyright Allen Jesson :) 2001
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