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1. Poem Of The Week - How?

2. Joke Of The Week -  The Pet Monkey

 3. Time Management Tip - Study Tips

4. Bonus Smile :) Mental Health Answering Machine

5. Enjoy Life Tips - Reflections on Exercise

1. Poem Of The Week - How?

One very nice lady (you know who you are..) ended up ordering three poems from me. Two were for her parents wedding anniversary and this is the other one. Permission was kindly granted for the poem to be published in this newsletter (thank you). The names have been changed to protect privacy. The request went something like this:

My second request is a poem for my daughter Jane that she could read at this same anniversary party.  I do want to say here that the relationship is VERY strained between Jane and my parents. I talked to Jane this morning and this poem needs to funny, but also tell the truth about how she feels judged, that she can do little right in their eyes, the generation gap thing. Jane and my dad haven't spoken in months so Jane's hope would be to somehow create humor that might lead to dialogue. Pretty tall order, I know. My Dad is a warm and loving guy ... but just can't understand my daughter. Jane is 22, a recovering alcoholic, struggles with self-esteem, is a smart alec, didn't finish school, seems to break all the rules and my dad can't understand her at all. Jane is going back to school this Sept to become a drug and alcohol councilor, just got a full-time job yesterday as a waitress. Has a boyfriend, Brian. The family hobby is fishing. The whole family, except Jane is blonde, and blue eyed, she has dark brown hair and brown eyes. My dad sees Jane as lazy and crazy! So there you go, all the dirt in the plain language.

 

How?

 

This poem was meant to be funny,

and it's funny how words come along,

sometimes humour can serve you well,

at other times it can do you wrong.

 

Distance can create emptiness,

sometimes a chasm that's just too wide,

leaves you to deal with your feelings,

and they can cut you up deep inside.

 

We are the one blood,

(on these words I could easily choke),

but we are different people,

different strokes, different folk.

 

But that doesn't mean that I don't need you,

and that I don't love you still,

I have always, always loved you,

and I guess I always will.

 

Look, I've done it tough,

but sometimes you don't get to see your dreams,

but I'm sure everything has been for a reason,

or at least that's the way it seems.

 

So I've done my hard yards,

and now I'm running true and straight,

I just want to bury the hatchet,

and there's one other thing that I'd like to state:

 

You're such a warm and loving guy,

well, how about sending some this way?

Because I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Oh yes - there's one more bit left to say:

 

I'm a smart alec (because I struggle with my self esteem),

and like some smoked fish I'm also drying out,

but all that is now behind me,

and that's what these lines are all about.

 

I've now got a full time job,

and waiting tables is just a start,

so take a pick to that ice,

that has surrounded your heart.

 

I know I'm not blonde with blue eyes,

and you may think I'm a little crazy,

but if there's one thing I'm going to prove to you,

I'm going to prove to you that I'm not lazy.

 

So I'm going back to school,

to teach others what I know now,

and I'm going to teach you how to love me,

perhaps you can teach me how? 

 

Copyright Allen Jesson :) 2001

www.agiftofpoetry.com

This was the nice reply that I received...

"Allen, I love it. I could hardly read it to her over the phone, it made me cry. Thank you so much!!! It is incredible!"

 If you too have something special to say and would like to order a poem then please proceed to the following page:

http://www.agiftofpoetry.com/order_form.htm 

2. Joke Of The Week -  The Pet Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.  The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it
whole.
The bartender screams at the guy: "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He
eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball
and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.  The
bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.  "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his
butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't
surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight. But
ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

More great jokes and stories at http://www.agiftofpoetry.com

 3. Time Management Tip - Study Tips

Study difficult (or boring) subjects first.

Avoid scheduling marathon study sessions.

Be aware of your best time of day.

Use waiting time.

Use a regular study area.

STUDY WHERE:

Choose a place that minimizes visual and auditory distractions.

Use the library or empty classrooms. Get out of a noisy room.

Don't get too comfortable. Sit (or even stand) so that you can remain awake and attentive.

Find a better place when productivity falls off.

YOU AND THE OUTSIDE WORLD:

Pay attention to your attention.

Agree with who it matters about study time.

Avoid noise distractions.

Notice how others misuse your time.

Get off the phone.

Learn to say no.

Hang a "Do Not Disturb!" sign on your door.

Ask: "What is one task I can accomplish toward my goal?"

Ask: "Am I beating myself up?" (lighten up, don't berate self).

Ask: "How did I just waste time?"

Ask: "Would I pay myself for what I'm doing right now?"

Ask: "Can I do just one more thing?" (Stretch yourself).

 

Reproduced with the permission of Gregory Wells, Coordinator, William James Center, Davis and Elkins College, Elkins WV., NACADA Conf. 1987

 

4. Bonus Smile :) Mental Health Answering Machine

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your
mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too
busy to talk to you."

5. Enjoy Life Tips - Reflections on Exercise
 
It is well documented that for every mile you jog, you add 1
minute to your life. This enables you at 95 years old... to spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Have NOT
lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures
out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he
would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

And, last but not least - I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right
out of my glass.

6. Yet Another Smile :) - Hmmm

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he
arrives she seductively signals for him to bring his face closer to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
caressing the corners of his mouth with her fingers and allowing his tongue
to slide over them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies room."

7. Stress Management Tip - Everything In Moderation.

If you eat too much - you get fat. If you drink too much you'll fall over (amongst other things). If you smoke you are harming yourself and those around you. If you don't exercise then you won't enjoy life as much as you could. But then again - who wants to eat only "rabbit food", be teetotal, never enjoy a devent Havana and exercise every hour of the day ? Not me. But what I have found are probably the three most important words in life

"Everything in moderation"

If you want to reduce stress in your life then simply do more of what is good for you and less of what is bad for you. Simple.

8. And some thoughts for today...

On Love...

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. 
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you. 
If love isn't a game, why are there so many players? 

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else. 

Don't frown, cause you never know who is falling in love with your smile. 
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the
person who made you cry? 

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. 

On Friends...

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have. 
Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it.  When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look
beside you and your best friend will be there. 
Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know
they are always there. 
Most people walk in and out of you life, but only friends leave footprints
in your heart.

On Life...

You can only go as far as you push. 
Actions speak louder than words. 
Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff. 
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. 

Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it. 

Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness
wasted. Don't be angry, BE HAPPY!!!

9. Finish Off With Yet Another Smile :) Five Affairs

An Affair to Remember

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough,nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly andsaid, "Not this time."

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he  entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich
and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents", he  replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips  began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your Mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."


More great jokes and stories at http://www.agiftofpoetry.com

 I hope you enjoyed the newsletter and don't forget to download your free e-books from the site. Thanks for joining !

PS There is a strong rumour going around that by forwarding this e-mail to five of your friends or colleagues you then become incredibly lucky !

Copyright Allen Jesson :) 2001 www.agiftofpoetry.com