An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.  The bartender came
up to him and told him that the bar was  closing.
So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result.  So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for  a while,  get some fresh air and hopefully
that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again - right on his face.  He
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived  at the
door he tried one more time with the same results.  Exhausted, he then gave up
and started crawling to the  bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into
the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him
shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked as he put on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your flaming wheelchair there"

Joke Of The Week - Two Men Drinking 

 
Two men sit drinking in the bar at the top of the Empire State  Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered  that
if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the  10th
floor, the  winds around the building are so intense that they carry  you
around the building and back into the window."  The bartender
overhears  this, and just shakes his head in disapproval  while wiping
down the  bar. The second man says: "What  are you, a nut? There is no way in
hell that could happen."  The first man  says: "No, it's true, let me
prove it  to  you."  He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and
careers toward  the  street below.  When he passes  the 10th floor, the high wind
whips him  around the  building and back into the  10th floor window,
where he  takes the elevator  back up to the bar.  The  second man tells him:
"You know, I  saw that with my own eyes,  but  that must have  been a one-time
fluke."  The first man says: "No, it isn't. I'll prove it again."  And
again, he  jumps  and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor  wind
> gently carries him  around the building and into the window.  Once
upstairs he urges his fellow  drinker to try it. The second man says: "Well,  what the hell, it works,  I'll try it."  He jumps over the balcony, plunges  downward,
passes the 11th  floor, 10th  floor, 9th floor ... and hits the sidewalk  with a
splat.  Back  upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says:
"You  know,  Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk."

Joke(s) Of The Week -  Bumper wisdom

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted
  then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

True Story....(so I'm told)
 
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist:
 
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
 
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.  When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
 
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
 
NASA responded with a one-line memo:
 
"Thaw the chicken."

Finish Off With A Smile-Mobile Phones

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts
dialling numbers.... like a telephone.... but on the back of his hand.
He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighbourhood
and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdoes here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone
installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his
hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand
and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible", says the
bartender, "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you
name it. By the way, where is the men's room? The bartender
directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go
by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence
in the neighbourhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is
spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and
he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my Gosh!" said the
bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for
a fax."

Finish Off With A Smile-New Priest

 A new priest at his first mass was so nervous
he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he
had done. The Monsignor replied,"When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."  So  next Sunday he
took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the  sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his
office after mass, he found the following note on the  door:
  
          1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

         2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

     3.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

         4.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

5.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 6.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of  him.
         
         7. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

  8.  The recommended grace before a meal is not:

    Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

      9.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy
        pulling contest  at St.Peter's,

not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
 
:)

Finish Off With A Smile - The Last Words

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for
orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're
 lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over
you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I
was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
  husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in the children of tomorrow." 

The last guy thinks for
  a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say,
  'Look, he's moving!'"

 Copyright Allen Jesson :) 2001  www.agiftofpoetry.com